Day 1 of my search to find GOD
Just to look at creation alone should be enough to hurl the entire world to our knees in AWE of HIS Majesty. As I struggle with my very purpose and what plan does GOD have for me keeps me in tears. I'm feeling I'm being concentrated on to write something. I don't know what I'm doing here! What do I have to offer? Why are you telling me to write? I don't get it! Everything I touch turns to crap and I don't know why? Our church decided to do a 30 day prayer challenge so my husband and I have been struggling over separate issues and we pray but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough. So we like many others jumped all in for this challenge. As I look around people don't care. They seem to have all they need and then some. Their lives are put together and they are happy. However, nowhere do I see GOD in their lives but they have it all and everything they touch is golden. I'm so sick of going on interviews and being told, you're too old and fat. One young man even said to me we're not hiring and we will not call you even though you are certainly qualified. I guess that helps to put someone down and destroy their self esteem without a touch back to your own heart. So I dug in to find GOD and where is HE? My husband came home from work and finally got some sort of recognition at this job. He was so in tears as he read Psalm 73 to me. There I am, that's my struggle. Everything I touch turns to crap. I started doing reviews for products and in 3 months my social media outlet went from 600 to 11K. I wasn't getting paid for any of that but oh well maybe I'll start some push for direct marketing. I picked up Avon and The Pampered Chef and in no time went absolutely no where. I wasn't one of those people who could turn sad into happy or dust into gold. I have no idea what I'm doing here and please I cannot be alone in this search. I will absolutely die without anything to show I was even here. I just keep thinking this is sad and somehow I feel like Job. Our Children and Grand children would come around and the older we get the less we see of them. So now it's a struggle to clean my own home. Now I'm not saying I hoard or my house is disgusting. It's lived in and picked up and my whole cleaning process has went astray because no one comes here anyway. It's the 2 of us and 2 dogs. I asked our pastor for some information about getting some pamphlets to give out and he gave me 2 websites. Our Daily Bread and The Upper Room so I went on the first ordered 100 free booklets and the Upper Room wanted to know if I wanted to pray with someone or give a testimony. So I gave a Testimony and a meditation and a verse. They said they'll let me know if they publish it or not. It's been a week and I'm still waiting. I went to yet another website for Newman Springs Publishing and ordered publishing information and I thought to myself if GOD you are truly in this then YOU will make a way. So I put one foot out on faith, I guess we'll see what happens in the days, weeks, months, years ahead. I'll be here.
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